Who is She?
Hi, how are you? This feels strange and a little old school - which I’m ok with actually. Instagram, TikTok etc can be overwhelming, exposing and so public (which is ironic!) and so I thought my own blog may be a more gentle and forgiving outlet for me to find my “thing”. The “thing” that occupies my brainspace 90% of my day - when I’m not being mum/wife/cook/cleaner/therapist etc etc. When I turned 40 (I’m now 42) I had plans to do something just for me, something that challenged and excited me and brought back a spark that I felt was lost. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have 2 boys (11 and 8 years old) who are our absolute world and without a doubt my greatest achievement in life. In those hazy, sleep deprived first few months (or should I say years) people would often say “Make the most of it, they’ll be teenagers before you know it” and I would dismiss them, thinking no chance. How wrong I was - even though we are not yet in the teenage era, it is creeping up and I am rapidly realising my babies are not needing me in quite the same way as when they were little. They are stereotypical boys - full of energy, football mad, lovers of motorbikes and all things fast and dangerous, play fighting (which then can turn to actual fighting) and possibly the two loudest children I have ever encountered. Earplugs are my new driving accessory! However, of course they still need me and I love more than anything watching them grow, forge friendships and gain independence whilst still being in the centre of their world. But I feel that the world of Mum has overtaken the world of Sarah and have recently found myself questioning “Who am I?”
I don’t feel there is enough written about or vocalised on how as a parent, a mother in particular, you can lose your identity through those vital years of motherhood and parenting - we give our blood, sweat and tears to nurturing, protecting and keeping these humans healthy and happy and before you know it 10 years have passed and you think where the hell did those years go and what has happened to me? I have always been ambitious and wanted to do well in life but I have never found “my passion”. I listen to so many podcasts about following your dream, finding your passion and turning it into a career and I start things that interest me - reflexology, counselling, drama to name a few - and then stop. Why? Fear, lack of confidence, time, change in routine, age. I could go on. They are excuses I know but ones that I can’t help feeling and prevent me from persevering. Perhaps if you have a career before becoming a parent, a career that you care about, feel challenged and motivated by and can go back to or be able to do in a different capacity which can run alongside being a mum. I didn’t have that and perhaps I’m using the role of mum as an excuse when actually it may go back to way before having children.
I trained in Acting and lived and breathed the world of theatre, graduated and secured an agent and waited for that big break - which needless to say didn’t come. For years I berated myself for giving up too early, not working hard enough, getting distracted by earning good money as a PA and enjoying my twenties in the hedonistic cloud of Manchester (one of the best cities to live in) I don’t regret any of my job choices because they each taught me many skills and life lessons but all of them were jobs and never turned into careers, again through my own decisions and actions, not for lack of opportunitites.
And so here we are, 42 years old and still trying to find my “thing” - something that is separate from my family, something that I find interesting and can be creative with, something that will give me a sense of purpose, ownership and something that I can be proud of. It will happen, I just need to trust and believe in myself and perhaps by writing it down I can hold myself accountable and see where this goes.
If any of this resonates please let me know so I know I’m not the only one and I don’t put it down to ‘just my hormones again!’ We all deserve to feel fulfilled, content and at peace so let’s start filling that cup. One sip at a time.
Thanks for reading.
Sarah x